


hold a gun in the face of earth's abduction

by deareli



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Bisexual Spencer Reid, Crack Treated Seriously, Domestic, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Found Family, I'm not funny, Lesbian Emily Prentiss, Literally No One is Straight, M/M, Relationships are not established just yet, Team as Family, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author is Sleep Deprived, chat fic, so much gayness, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:08:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27024823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deareli/pseuds/deareli
Summary: prent-ass: jfc reidBossman: Reid this is why I the coffee machine was taken away from the office three days ago.2 of 2 braincells: I'm fine. Morgan overreacted.--((Title taken from 'Asleep at the Wheel' by the Wallflowers))
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan & Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia/Kevin Lynch, Spencer Reid & The BAU Team, The BAU Team & Everyone
Comments: 20
Kudos: 180





	1. hospital food and accidents

**Author's Note:**

> hey so i recently had to deal with trauma from being in hospital and i'm starved for good chat fics so i decided to write my own. 
> 
> i promise im not funny but i hope u like
> 
> \--
> 
> 1 of 2 braincells: morgan  
> 2 of 2 braincells: reid  
> prent-ass: emily  
> Bossman: hotch  
> mom: jj  
> go away: rossi  
> sunshine: garcia

_4:02 am_

**1 of 2 braincells** > **emily's bitches**

**1 of 2 braincells:** Spencer Walter Reid. 

**1 of 2 braincells:** this is a call out

 **prent-ass:** woah what!! 

**Bossman:** Why are you all awake.

 **1 of 2 braincells:** hotch weren't you called by the hospital like an hour ago? 

**Bossman:**... Oh that's what the call was. 

**Bossman:** Why the hospital? 

**1 of 2 braincells:** **@2 of 2 braincells**

 **1 of 2 braincells:** explain. please.

 **2 of 2 braincells:** I don't know what you're talking about.

 **1 of 2 braincells:** how about, oh i dont know, me getting called to the hospital at 4 in the morning to pick you up?? 

**Bossman:** Is this something that requires me to be heading to the hospital? 

**2 of 2 braincells** : Morgan drove me home, Hotch. Sorry. 

**2 of 2 braincells:** Also, no.

 **prent-ass:** now im really curious lmfao

 **1 of 2 braincells:** i get called into the hospital at 4 in the morning, being told that there's a spencer reid who needs to be picked up.

 **2 of 2 braincells:** Please don't.

 **1 of 2 braincells:** you brought this on yourself for making such a stupid decision

 **prent-ass:** reid what did you DO

 **2 of 2 braincells:** I made a mistake.

 **Bossman:**... I'm concerned.

 **1 of 2 braincells:** anyways the nurse tells me that they brought this MAN CHILD into the er after he collapsed at home, loud enough for a neighbour to be concerned.

 **1 of 2 braincells:** and it turns out. he has POISONED himself by mixing both red-bull and coffee, with at least 7 cups of sugar.

 **prent-ass:** jfc reid

 **Bossman:** Reid this is why I the coffee machine was taken away from the office three days ago. 

**2 of 2 braincells** : I'm fine. Morgan overreacted.

 **1 of 2 braincells:** reid you had to have it flushed out of your system

 **2 of 2 braincells:** It just means my stomach was weak.

 **Bossman:** Morgan, are you with him now? 

**1 of 2 braincells:** yeah im staying with him tonight, nurses said he should be fine by tomorrow 

**Bossman:** Good. 

_8:23 am_

**mom** > **emily's bitches**

**mom:** is Spence okay? 

**1 of 2 braincells:** he threw up three times this morning

 **1 of 2 braincells:** then threw the bottle of water i gave him when i told him he couldnt have coffee

 **prent-ass:** he's probably tired

 **1 of 2 braincells:** he told me he just wanted to stay awake for another day

 **1 of 2 braincells:** for science

 **go away:** Seems I missed all the excitement

 **1 of 2 braincells:** **@Bossman** we wont be in today

 **2 of 2 braincells:** Yes we will, don't listen to Morgan. 

**1 of 2 braincells:** i will tie you to that damn bed reid

 **2 of 2 braincells:** I'd like to see you try.

 **prent-ass:** reid's sassy when he's tired

 **1 of 2 braincells:** yeah he hasnt slept in three days

 **Bossman:** It's paperwork today anyway. Enjoy the day off. 

**mom:** does he need anything, Morgan? 

**2 of 2 braincells:** JJ could you bring over some files from my desk?

 **1 of 2 braincells:** jj dont

 **mom:** sorry Spence, you need the rest

 **go away:** Poisoning yourself is never the way to go

 **2 of 2 braincells:** Traitors. All of you.

 **1 of 2 braincells:** good now get the hell to bed

_6:03 pm_

**sunshine** > **emily's bitches**

**sunshine:** how are you feeling, my junior g-man!? 

**2 of 2 braincells:** Like I'm prepared to go to jail.

 **1 of 2 braincells:** he just woke up

 **sunshine:** aw baby :( 

**1 of 2 braincells:** dont feel bad for him penelope he brought this on himself

 **2 of 2 braincells:** Stop bullying me, Morgan.

 **sunshine:** doesnt mean i can't not be worried!!! mama garcia will be bringing by some yummy soup for when your stomach settles :-) 

**2 of 2 braincells** : ... Thank you, Garcia.


	2. come on man, just lend a hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2 of 2 braincells: It's true. Prentiss once challenged me to a sword fight when I jokingly told her that out of all of us she'd be a princess. 
> 
> go away: who won? 
> 
> 2 of 2 braincells: Why do you assume we actually had a sword fight?
> 
> princess: we never got to it :/ i came at reid with a sword and he started crying so i ended up buying him ice cream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prent-ass/princess - emily  
> 1 of 2 braincells - morgan  
> 2 of 2 braincells - reid  
> mom - jj  
> sunshine/royal goddess - garcia  
> bossman - hotch  
> go away/no in italian - rossi
> 
> \-- 
> 
> chapter title taken from 'overdose' by fidlar

_8:03 pm_

**2 of 2 braincells > emily's bitches**

_**2 of 2 braincells** _ _changed_ **_prent-ass's_ ** _name to **princess**_

 **1 of 2 braincells:** die reid

 **2 of 2 braincells** : I'm fine, thanks.

 **princess** : thank you for immortalising that moment dr reid

 **1 of 2 braincells** : it was a MISTAKE 

**mom** : is this from earlier? 

**sunshine** : omgg what happened!?

 **mom** : Morgan called Emily 'Princess' instead of Prentiss

sunshine: awwwww derek!!!! ❣︎

 **1 of 2 braincells** : A MISTAKE

 **1 of 2 braincells** : her name is too damn close 

**princess** : or maybe you think i'm a princess

 **princess** : which i will throw a knife at you for if you do

 **2 of 2 braincells** : It's true. Prentiss once challenged me to a sword fight when I jokingly told her that out of all of us she'd be a princess. 

**go away** : who won? 

**2 of 2 braincells** : Why do you assume we actually had a sword fight?

 **princess** : we never got to it :/ i came at reid with a sword and he started crying so i ended up buying him ice cream

 **1 of 2 braincells** : weak

 **2 of 2 braincells** : I didn't cry! 

**1 of 2 braincells** : actually who would win in a fight between prentiss and reid? 

**2 of 2 braincells** : *Princess.

 **1 of 2 braincells** : you're on thin fucking ice, freakazoid

 **princess:** i'd like to say me but i've never actually seen reid fight

 **sunshine:** he just sorta flails

 **2 of 2 braincells:** I try to avoid fighting when I can, but I believe I can hold my own when protecting my life. 

**go away:** the kid already has enough trouble with keeping himself alive without fighting being thrown in 

**1 of 2 braincells:** i still think it's prentiss, she would definitely kick his ass

 **princess:** i'd never hurt reid

 **princess:** you on the other hand...

 **1 of 2 braincells:** bring it on, prentiss

 **2 of 2 braincells:** Now this I would love to see.

_10:21 pm_

**2 of 2 braincells** > **emily's bitches**

_**2 of 2 braincells** changed **sunshine's** name to **royal goddess**_

_**2 of 2 braincells** changed **go away's** name to **no in italian**_

**1 of 2 braincells:** can you not

 **2 of 2 braincells:** This is what you get for last week.

 **1 of 2 braincells:** for HELPING YOU?? 

**royal goddess:** are you two hanging out again? 

**2 of 2 braincells:** We're having a Scrabble rematch since Morgan is convinced I keep making up words. 

**royal goddess:** derek morgan!!!

 **1 of 2 braincells:** what?? he is

 **princess:** i don't think reid's making up words considering how many he knows 

**2 of 2 braincells:** It's a lost cause but I enjoy playing anyway and I don't often get the chance to. 

**2 of 2 braincells:** Morgan is willing to play and that's enough for me,

 **1 of 2 braincells:** i'm learnin' words anyways

 **princess:** thats actually... kinda sweet

 **princess:** morgan youre being so sweet wtf

 **1 of 2 braincells:** ok die

 **princess:** no u

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr - misguidedstars


	3. baby girl, look where we made it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bossman: Perhaps the BAU needs to attend another workplace sexual harassment seminar.
> 
> 1 of 2 braincells: oh god no not another one
> 
> 1 of 2 braincells: just send prentiss please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \--
> 
> the chapter titles come from random songs on my playlists, they have nothing to do with the chapter lmao i'm literally just pressing shuffle, choosing the first song that plays and choosing a nice lyric from it
> 
> i'm trying to update once or twice a day considering this doesn't take too much effort but pls be patient bc sometimes i get really depressed and i cant be funny when i want to die ok
> 
> but i love u guys and i appreciate all the kind comments <3 and i hope i can continue to make y'all laugh
> 
> \--
> 
> chapter title taken from 'pretty boy' by the neighbourhood

_9:23 am_

**2 of 2 braincells** > **emily's bitches**

**2 of 2 braincells:** Can we please change the name of this chat.

 **princess:** thank u for ur suggestion but unfortunately i'm not taking any at this time

 **2 of 2 braincells:** Just yesterday you pinched my cheeks and told me it's sweet that I think I don't belong to you?

 **princess:** i did that to jj too

 **royal goddess:** waitwaitwait she did that to me as well

 **1 of 2 braincells:** is prentiss just going around trying to own people? 

**princess:** youre all my _bitches_

 **2 of 2 braincells:** No.

 **no in italian:** I don't think you're going to get a different answer out of the kid, Prentiss

 **princess:** cmon reid

 **2 of 2 braincells:** I will leave this chat. 

**1 of 2 braincells:** wait prentiss did you do it to hotch yet?? 

**princess:** oh!! no i did not

_10:02 am_

**princess** > **emily's bitches**

**princess:** uh

 **princess:** anyone actually know where hotch is? 

**no in** **italian:** He's in a budget meeting. Again.

 **mom:** Strauss mentioned that the director is looking to cut a unit to save costs

 **mom** : I think Hotch is trying to help offer solutions

 **no in italian:** We've been doing well lately so I think we're safe

 **mom:** definitely! Hotch and Strauss are just trying to help

 **princess:** wow i would not have guessed those two working together

 **no in italian:** Strauss has been vouching for us a lot lately

 **mom:** according to Hotch he's been in touch with her a lot recently

 **princess:** well when hotch gets back i need to speak to him

_4:04 pm_

**1 of 2 braincells:** **@princess**

 **1 of 2 braincells:** what the fuck happened

 **princess:** lol

 **royal goddess:** omg emily you didn't!!!

 **Bossman:** Prentiss. I will fire you.

 **princess:** no you wont sir :) 

**2 of 2 braincells:** What did Emily do? 

**Bossman:** Perhaps the BAU needs to attend another workplace sexual harassment seminar.

 **1 of 2 braincells:** oh god no not another one

 **1 of 2 braincells:** just send prentiss please

 **Bossman** : Need I bring up the closet incident, Morgan?

 **2 of 2 braincells:** _Please don't do that._

 **1 of 2 braincells:**... touche

 **1 of 2 braincells:** but that was all garcias fault

 **royal goddess:** hey!!! don't throw me under the bus!!

 **mom:** just book everyone in, Hotch.

 **Bossman:** I think I might have to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: misguidedstars
> 
> i also want to make a quick note to thank user TobiasHankel (https://archiveofourown.org/works/23530018/chapters/56434330) and their bau group text fic for inspiring me to write this! i ended up messaging them but wanted to also just share their work here
> 
> leave a comment if you liked this chapter! hopefully i'll get the next few up soon

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: misguidedstars
> 
> pls leave a comment if you like! they keep me motivated :-)


End file.
